Griff's Guide to Navigating a Friend's Grief

Let's face it. Death is awkward.

Death is like that unpopular kid you didn't want to talk to at the high school dance because you knew that if you did, they would misconstrue your attention as something else and latch onto you forever. Sure, you want to be nice, but no one want's death hanging out with them at Tim Horton's with bits of jelly donut hanging off its chin.

The death of someone we know reminds us of our own mortality and frankly, a lot of us would rather just keep whistling as we walk past the cemetery, look the other way.

Still when, when loss does finally touch somebody we know, a friend or a loved one, there are some simple things you can do (and not do) to show that you care and that will really mean a lot to those left behind. If you're considered a friend by somebody, take some action that shows that your are worthy to be called that. Its really not that hard.

I've just spent some time observing this at my father-in-law's passing, a great guy who I'll personally miss greatly, and here's what I've observed.

• Do say something - even if its a brief note on Facebook or an email or voicemail, mention that you're sorry and your thinking and praying for those who are keenly feeling the loss. It means a lot.
Don't stay silent. Those berieved may wonder why you've abandoned them when they need to just feel that you're aware and thinking of them.

• Food is good - Food can be a great gift. With all the funeral details that need to be attended to, it can be so nice not to have to worry about food preparation.  This week it was great having sandwiches, fruit trays, baked ham, etc. at the house. Of course in time, cooking is one of those day to day activities that can help life return to normal, but at funeral time it can be a distraction.

• Funeral Attendance - If you can attend, that's terrific. It will mean so much to your friend/family member to have you there. Its an hour or two of your life and you're there to support the living, not the deceased. Here's something really nice you can do if  you're out of town or on vacation: In days past, people would often send a telegram but its so easy today to just send a fax or email to the funeral home. They'll be passed on to the family with any cards that are dropped off in person.  Its simply a classy act for non-attenders, and don't worry, if you can't be there, they will understand, but way better to send even a short message of condolence rather than clam up.
Don't freak out - staying calm, strong, positive and supportive is really great. Leading the charge in weeping and wailing, not so much.

• Flowers and Donations - a gift 'in memory of' is appreciated, and in time will be seen and noted. Often families will prefer to have gifts sent to charities rather than have flowers sent.  Either way, its a thoughtful thing to do if you're able.

• Follow Up - In the following days and weeks an email, post or phone call will mean a lot. Don't fall off the face of the earth thinking life will get back to normal. It will quickly for you, but those keenly experiencing a loss are going to feel the sting for quite a while. A brief, 'Thinking of you today. Hope you're doing well' mean the world. In my opinion:  This is one of the most important things you can do.  Loneliness and depression can just be around the corner and you can help kick it to the curb by just sending a brief message of encouragement.

There you go.  Simple, easy things you can do that show you're a true friend when the going gets rough. Your friendship can really support somebody in a time of great pain by just letting that person know you're there.