Griff's Guide to Navigating a Friend's Grief

Let's face it. Death is awkward.

Death is like that unpopular kid you didn't want to talk to at the high school dance because you knew that if you did, they would misconstrue your attention as something else and latch onto you forever. Sure, you want to be nice, but no one want's death hanging out with them at Tim Horton's with bits of jelly donut hanging off its chin.

The death of someone we know reminds us of our own mortality and frankly, a lot of us would rather just keep whistling as we walk past the cemetery, look the other way.

Still when, when loss does finally touch somebody we know, a friend or a loved one, there are some simple things you can do (and not do) to show that you care and that will really mean a lot to those left behind. If you're considered a friend by somebody, take some action that shows that your are worthy to be called that. Its really not that hard.

I've just spent some time observing this at my father-in-law's passing, a great guy who I'll personally miss greatly, and here's what I've observed.

• Do say something - even if its a brief note on Facebook or an email or voicemail, mention that you're sorry and your thinking and praying for those who are keenly feeling the loss. It means a lot.
Don't stay silent. Those berieved may wonder why you've abandoned them when they need to just feel that you're aware and thinking of them.

• Food is good - Food can be a great gift. With all the funeral details that need to be attended to, it can be so nice not to have to worry about food preparation.  This week it was great having sandwiches, fruit trays, baked ham, etc. at the house. Of course in time, cooking is one of those day to day activities that can help life return to normal, but at funeral time it can be a distraction.

• Funeral Attendance - If you can attend, that's terrific. It will mean so much to your friend/family member to have you there. Its an hour or two of your life and you're there to support the living, not the deceased. Here's something really nice you can do if  you're out of town or on vacation: In days past, people would often send a telegram but its so easy today to just send a fax or email to the funeral home. They'll be passed on to the family with any cards that are dropped off in person.  Its simply a classy act for non-attenders, and don't worry, if you can't be there, they will understand, but way better to send even a short message of condolence rather than clam up.
Don't freak out - staying calm, strong, positive and supportive is really great. Leading the charge in weeping and wailing, not so much.

• Flowers and Donations - a gift 'in memory of' is appreciated, and in time will be seen and noted. Often families will prefer to have gifts sent to charities rather than have flowers sent.  Either way, its a thoughtful thing to do if you're able.

• Follow Up - In the following days and weeks an email, post or phone call will mean a lot. Don't fall off the face of the earth thinking life will get back to normal. It will quickly for you, but those keenly experiencing a loss are going to feel the sting for quite a while. A brief, 'Thinking of you today. Hope you're doing well' mean the world. In my opinion:  This is one of the most important things you can do.  Loneliness and depression can just be around the corner and you can help kick it to the curb by just sending a brief message of encouragement.

There you go.  Simple, easy things you can do that show you're a true friend when the going gets rough. Your friendship can really support somebody in a time of great pain by just letting that person know you're there.

The Train

The Trans-Siberian roared through the neighbourhood last night.  You could feel its rumbling as it hurtled through. Our quaking house was squarely tied to the tracks as it ran over us.

Via satellite you could see the long curving arc with its caboose somewhere out of sight beyond Alaska, snaking over the frigid climes of northern Russia then loading tank cars over the Pacific and picking up a full head of steam as it plowed into the left coast. Side spurs were formed as it splintered onto sidings and sub-routes.

This wasn't a large flaked, gentle steam train excursion of childhood memories, but rather a full throttle, angry runaway and watching track-side earned you an icy, stinging face-slap.  Occasionally the engine would surge forward, sharply jostling the anxious dreams of sleepers as bedroom windows rattled.

Its now morning and all that remains is white wreckage spilled across the landscape.

Rush hour is derailed.

Getting Credit Card Warranty Service Without Going Broke

Do you have a credit card that offers an "extended warranty"?   Many cards, including Visa, Master Card and American Express offer this as a service.

It may not be worth your while. I'm sure VISA hopes it isn't.

Here's my (abbreviated) story so far:

I wanted to submit a warranty claim for a Canon all-in-one printer that stopped working in August.  All-in-One printers are great in that they combine a printer, scanner and fax machine all into a single machine with many, many more parts that can go wrong.

 I need pay to ship this 40lb. printer which is the size of an aircraft carrier, 
destined for a local landfill,  to you, so you the adjuster, can determine that its worthless and should 
go to a landfill in Indiana? 

Or in other words, 

 `Dear Potentially Scamming Cardholder, 
  We feel you may be in cahoots with the repair shop and might be trying to extort $140 out of VISA and
  buy a house in the Bahamas.
  Only we can determine junk when we see it'.


I had, in fact, kept the original box that I kept in the attic for warranty purposes so packed everything 
up and $45 later in postage, what I was now calling,  the Canon 140-BA ($140 Boat Anchor) was on its 
way to Indiana.

...

Amazing. Its been another week and I haven't heard anything back from claims 
department, even though I have post office confirmation that the package has indeed
arrived. I imagine it will take CSI Indiana some time to do a post-mortem on the all-in-one before it
gets a proper burial.


Total time wasted so far is 46 days, cost $75 so far, and its fairly plain that VISA wants 
the process so be so cumbersome that people lose hope and bail out at some point.

Sorry VISA. I'm sticking it out  just so I can break even on warranty service.

--

Update - Nov 13, 2010

Finally!  A check finally arrived today for $174.99 which covers the original cost of the product plus the cost of the diagnostic, but not the cost of shipping the broken product back to the insurance assessor. Still, its $120 net dollars I can put towards a new printer, which this time will be an EPSON Artisan 810 all-in-one printer/scanner/fax machine.   The date I first contacted VISA about this problem was August 17, 2010 so almost 3 months to get things sorted out. Glad its finally done.

Hybrid Diesel - its about time

I know its Peugeot and the last thing we remember seeing from that car company in North America were some pretty crummy vehicles that stopped being shipped here 1991, but they seem to have a great idea with a hybrid turbo diesel on tap for sale in Europe next year.  The car purports to get somewhere between 62-74 mpg.

Now if somebody in North America could devise a stylish 7 passenger, 4000lb trailer towing turbo diesel hybrid? I'd be checking it out for sure.  Here's a look at  Peugeot's Hybrid Turbo Diesel

Welcome to GentlerAnt

I've just landed on the shores of turning 50. Wow, did that come up fast.

New writing projects are underway for me and there's a lot of discovery going on as part of the research that accompanies developing five projects.  I want to share some of that as well as commenting on some of the delight or disdain on subjects as the cross my path.

Welcome. Hop in and c'mon along for the ride.